Dear Malia,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, i dislike your eyelashes . I think I realized it Last year when you peed your pants at the mental hospital, and I saw you carve your initials into my boyfriend . I’m sure you’re frostbitten enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I’m returning your your old New Kids on the Block blanket to you, but I’ll keep your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

Your everlasting enemy,
Ari

2:20 PM ohhhhhh maliaargh! ♥